In Memoriam
by Tsukihara Tarou
Summary: The true source of Pain. Yaoi, unbetaed, threesome, het, character death, Yahiko/Nagato/Konan.


DISCLAIMER: Naruto is a series originally created by Kishimoto Masashi. This is a work of fan fiction. No copyright infringement was intended.

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I don't remember exactly when it happened.

All I recall is that I was thirteen or fourteen and that it must've been an early summer because it was raining even more than usual, a steady downpour that drummed on the roof of our small house near the border of Ame. I had gone to bed early, leaving Nagato and Konan to play shougi in the main room, but I couldn't sleep.

The tiny bedroom was damp and everything smelled moldy; the futon was flat and hard and uncomfortable, and just when I was about to curl up and wallow even deeper in my misery, I heard Nagato laugh.

It wasn't very often that he laughed, really, and it only seemed to happen when he was playing or sparring together with Konan - and especially when Konan was winning. The reason for why he always found that situation funny eluded me, but it was mesmerizing, the way his mouth curved and his rinnegan gleamed in a very special way.

So there I was, lying on my lumpy futon, listening to that unique, throaty sound, and I could clearly picture his face in front of me.

This time, however, the thought of him was getting me hard.

And that, if anything, was scary.

Something in me said that it wasn't right, that when I snaked my hand into my pants, I was doing something that could get me into a lot of trouble, but the sudden rush of pleasure was too intoxicating for me to care about anything else at that moment.

My fantasizing became even more vivid when I realized that I knew what he felt like.

I knew the texture of his bright red hair and I knew his scent by heart since we'd always been training and perspiring together. I had literally wrestled with him countless of times, so I knew the proportions of his lithe body, the way his muscles would flex against mine and how the grip of his fingers would feel when he'd take a firm hold of me and roll us over. I knew how it felt with his weight on top of me.

And with all that information rushing through my head, I masturbated.

To be honest, I wasn't particularly concerned about getting caught - they never turned on the lights when they came to bed after me - and I was young so I finished it fast, but when I came, his name escaped my lips, and it was damn loud, and for a moment I thought they had heard me.

Well, of course they hadn't. And after that, I made sure they never would.

But since that night, everything was different.

I began to revere the moments when I was allowed to touch him, which was usually when we were sparring together. At times it felt outright dangerous as his proximity alone could give me a hard-on, so I would simply cut the training session short, find my way to a more secluded corner of the forest and take care of myself while his scent was still lingering on my sweaty skin.

It was bitter, and it was sweet, and it was everything in between.

Until I became painfully aware that Nagato and Konan were getting romantically involved.

They were extremely discreet about it at first, and for a while I was sure that I was only being tricked by my own overflowing feelings of insecurity. However, a week after Konan had turned seventeen, all my suspicions were forthrightly confirmed as I walked in on them when they were in the bedroom, kissing.

I'll never forget the way he was then, all gentle and open and pliable as he was caressing Konan's face and tasting her slowly and lightly and, as it seemed to me, a bit teasingly, too. And there I was, frozen still at the doorway while my heart was pounding so hard that for a moment I was sure it would burst out of my chest and kill me.

He must've felt my stare because he let go of her then and turned to face me and softly called out my name. My body moved across the floor on reflex until I came to a halt right next to them, and I could hear him say that they wanted to get engaged, that they wanted to become lovers, that they belonged together.

I found myself nodding at his words, but there was nothing I could've said to them in return, and as I pulled away, mentally exhausted and more than willing to leave them alone, Nagato suddenly reached out to get a hold of my arm.

"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning. "You're our closest friend - aren't you happy for us?"

My breath got caught in my throat and I forced myself to smile, but all I needed was to get away from that room and to spar until every muscle in my body would hurt.

"I am happy for you," I said and attempted to smile again. "I - just - "

"Just what?"

Was he angry? I couldn't tell.

"You have my blessings," I said quickly, shook myself off of his grip and walked away, out of the room, out of the house, out of everything.

He joined me at the training grounds a couple of hours later, yanked off his shirt and challenged me. Even then his taijutsu - like everything else about him - was flawless, and like so many times before, I ended up lying on the ground with him on top of me, his breath hot puffs against my neck while his hands were still holding onto me with bruising force.

But soon he lifted his head, his rinnegan so bright and intensive that I had to narrow my eyes before it, and just seconds later his lips came down to meet mine.

I was overwhelmed and thus unable to answer the kiss at first, but when he pulled back a bit and darted out his tongue to sweep at the seam of my mouth, I finally reacted to him and let that slick muscle past my lips, and we were kissing fully this time, his fingers grasping at my hair, his hips pressing down against mine.

"What - ?" was everything I managed to gasp out after he raised his head to look at me again.

"Did you really think I wouldn't notice?" he asked quietly, and I swallowed hard at those words before he continued, "Yes, I did notice, ever since I first felt your cock prodding at me whenever you came close to me while sparring. But you have to understand one thing: I can't love you back, Yahiko. I love Konan. She's everything to me. You are my best friend, but she's my lover, and I have no intention to change that."

"So why kiss me now?" I croaked, confused, and he smiled.

"Because I have no intention to throw you away either. You're important to me, to us. I don't want you to feel like a third wheel; I don't want you to leave us. If keeping the three of us together requires me to hold you like this every once and a while, I'm ready to do it."

I was shocked, to say at least. "But Konan, what if she finds out - "

"I already talked to her about this, and she actually laughed at me and told me that she wasn't blind either and that she wouldn't mind if I humored you every now and then to make sure you stay happy."

"Is that what you call it? That you're - humoring me?" I tried to push him away, suddenly irritated by the whole situation, but he held onto my wrists as his expression sobered up again.

"No, I wouldn't call it humoring, even though she did, Yahiko. I'd call it - caring."

I was speechless, and he closed his eyes, his nose poking at mine, and then his lips were brushing at my mouth again. God, I was so hard, and all I wanted was to pull down my pants and beg him to take me any way he wanted, and yet, as soon as the thought had crossed my mind, I knew it would be too much to ask for, that he'd never allow me into that warm, soft mouth of his, not to mention fuck me.

But at least I could tell he was half-hard, too, and for a moment I indulged myself by imagining what it would feel like with him inside of me. However, when he realized that I'd began to grind my hips up against him, he pulled back and sat up on his knees, staring down at my flushed form, still serious. Then he reached out his hand, kneaded the bulge in my pants briefly and shook his head, saying, "You'd better take care of this before you get back to the house." And at that, he just stood up, collected his shirt from the ground and left.

Still euphoric for his attention, I proceeded to do exactly what he'd told me to, and joined them for dinner later as if nothing had happened.

At first, our vague and bizarre agreement made my life a bit awkward, but after a while, it seemed like nothing had changed that much. As our organization gained more members, some of them homeless, we purchased a bigger house closer to Amegakure. For me it was a relief as I had a room of my own now and didn't have to watch Nagato and Konan fall asleep cuddled up against each other every night.

I didn't know if and when they had sex, and frankly, I didn't even want to. All that mattered to me were those fleeting moments at the training grounds when there were just the two of us and Nagato would reward my patience by kissing me and by fondling my body lightly. Sometimes he even felt my erection through my pants so that I nearly came right there in his arms, but usually he was quiet and restrained and didn't allow me to touch him in return. For time being, the weight of his body on mine was more than enough, and whenever I could feel him get turned on as well, it was like a small victory to me.

I wanted to impress him. I worked hard for our cause, and as long as he was there, standing next to me, his quiet strength emanating from him, I was satisfied. I fought relentlessly to earn his respect until Konan finally approached me and told me to stop taking unnecessary risks because I'd already proven myself so many times, and she did her best to assure me that I didn't have to push myself too far just to keep him close because he was never going to go away, because they would never leave me alone.

But as the months went by, I knew that some part of me still wasn't quite convinced, and one gray afternoon when he began to kiss and touch me again after a particularly rough training session, I took a firm hold of him and pushed him to the ground.

"I want you to fuck me."

His eyes widened. "No."

"Why not?"

"First of all, I don't want to hurt Konan's feelings by cheating on her, and you know it. Second - I don't want to fuck you, as simple as that. You're good-looking, yes, but it just wouldn't feel right."

I growled in frustration. "Why don't you let _me_ fuck _you_, then."

He raised an eyebrow, and I turned my gaze away, willing myself to get off of him. "Yeah, I know. I know."

He stayed on the ground, still staring at me while I was panting and brooding with my forehead resting on my knee, drained both by the training session and by my own emotions.

Eventually, he got up and walked away, not saying a word as he disappeared among the trees. But in the following morning, at breakfast, he unexpectedly leaned over to me.

"Come over to our room tonight when the house has settled down."

There was something cold and detached about his voice, but I could barely wait to see what would happen next. So just after eleven o'clock that night I was there, knocking at the frame of their door before sliding it open and stepping in a bit warily, not sure of what to expect.

Konan was sitting cross-legged on their large futon reading, but as soon as I entered the room, she put away her book and gestured me to join her there. The look in her eyes was delighted and kind, and when she ran her fingers through my hair and across my face, I was somewhat puzzled by her behavior and even frightened by her proximity. However, my fear was quickly forgotten when Nagato walked out of their bathroom, wearing a similar simple yukata like we all usually did.

He smiled at me, making me feel more at ease right away, but when he sat down right next to me, my heart began to flutter again and I felt myself get slightly out of breath by the strange intimacy of the situation. And then he touched me, too, his fingers grazing at my mouth, and before I knew what was happening, he kissed me.

I nearly panicked, but then I felt Konan take my hand and squeeze it hard when Nagato pushed me down onto the futon, tugging at the belt of my yukata to get it open.

It suddenly dawned on me that it was all one of his twisted ways of challenging me, and while kissing him fiercely, I did my best to undress him as well. When Nagato finally pulled back, I glanced over at Konan who seemed flushed, her tongue darting in and out of her mouth to spread moisture onto her luscious lips, and she looked more stunning than ever. For a moment, I wondered if she was going to leave us alone, but then Nagato reached out and undid her yukata, too, and just seconds later, they were both naked before me, their faces hovering above me when their hands began to explore my body freely.

I was confused; I was enthralled. I didn't know what was expected from me, but they soon made their intentions clear as Nagato turned his attentions to Konan while I was just lying there and watching him go down on her, that agile tongue and fingers teasing her shamelessly right in front of my eyes. In the meantime, my senses were completely taken over by him, and him alone - the way he moved, his expressions, the little sounds of appreciation he made in the back of his throat when Konan arched and writhed beneath him.

But what fascinated me most was his cock - not as thick as mine but slightly longer, hard and dark and ready - and I soon found myself unable to turn my eyes away from it until I couldn't stand being passive any longer and reached out to touch it. He groaned, yet kept on working on Konan who sounded like she was getting very close to her climax at that point.

I pumped him slowly, but a bit too slowly, perhaps, as he started bucking into my hand. He was slick and smooth and I wanted to taste him so badly, but his position made it impossible, and then I heard Konan let out a short cry as her hips began to jerk against her lover's mouth.

He sat up and wiped his lips with the back of his hand before leaning over to kiss me swiftly. Then he moved forward, pushed Konan's knees up and thrust into her roughly, his hips rocking when he forced himself deeper and deeper, and Konan's hoarse pants made me shudder as I was helplessly watching them couple.

"Yahiko." Nagato's voice shook me out of my trance. "There's a bottle of lube on the floor."

I looked around, saw the item and picked it up when Nagato glanced at me over his shoulder and gave me a short nod.

"Prepare me."

"But I - "

"Just do it."

My hands were shaking badly when I poured some of the substance onto my fingers before letting them glide into him one by one. His hips were still moving as he thrust into Konan languidly now, and I had to focus to make sure I was doing it right while desperately trying to find a way to make him relax because I had no intention to hurt him. He grew impatient fast, though, and then he reached behind to pull away my probing hand and fingers, urging me to move on.

He tensed up visibly when I made my first effort to enter him. He was tight and his body refused to open up before me, and it was probably quite painful, too, even though he never made a sound to complain. I saw Konan caress his hair and I could hear her whisper into his ear even though I couldn't make out the words, but soon he raised his head and told me to try again.

This time it worked, and I slid into him very carefully, holding my breath and shivering in anticipation. He was so hot, his body was clenching and pulsing around me, and I made a couple of tentative thrusts. I was surprised to hear Konan react to my movements with a moan as I made Nagato grind against her, but to my disappointment, he remained stubbornly silent, his face buried against Konan's shoulder.

I ran my hand across the expanse of his back and moved again, not really concerned about his reactions any longer. What mattered to me was that I was finally inside of him and that every thrust I made seemed to force his body to respond, and eventually, his own hips began to move as well. It was very clumsy at first, but when I figured it would be easier for me if I just placed my hands on the futon for support and let him do most of the work between Konan and I, things began to escalate very fast.

He was making sounds again, soft hisses and low grunts, and I leaned my forehead against his back so I could breathe in his scent while watching his muscles ripple beneath me. Konan was literally trashing now - or would have, if she hadn't been so tightly pressed into the mattress by her lover - and I could feel her legs brush against my hips as well when she tried to pull Nagato even closer.

And then I knew that the moment she'd come, I would come, too, and just as the thought passed through my hazy mind, I could hear her breathe out Nagato's name and felt Nagato shudder beneath me. It was too much, and I allowed my body to take over, thrusting into him so hard that he let out a broken cry when I came inside of him.

However, even after I was done, Nagato didn't come right away. He had to keep on moving, and I did my best to keep moving with him as I was feeling raw and didn't want to pull out just yet, and it was sheer agony yet simply amazing when he did finally reach his climax with a deep growl half a minute later. As the contractions in his body gradually subsided, I rested my head against his back and just listened to those frantic heartbeats inside his rapidly rising and falling chest.

He winced when I slipped out of him and laid down right next to them, relaxed and a bit disoriented. His expression was unreadable, but then he leaned over and kissed me, his tongue working its way into my mouth and his fingers clenching in my hair.

"Do you want me to leave?" My voice came out coarser than I'd intended, but Nagato shook his head.

"You can stay if you like. But we really need to take a shower first, all of us."

I saw Konan nod in an agreement, and we helped each other up from the futon. I knew that their bathroom had two showerheads, so there was more than plenty of room for the three of us.

It turned out to be a very interesting experience as Konan asked me to wash her hair and body, thus letting me to touch her and even to explore her a bit while Nagato only smiled and watched us from aside. She was a gorgeous woman, and I could tell that she found me attractive, and I couldn't help wondering whether things would've been different if I hadn't fallen for Nagato first. However, it was impossible for me to think about her that way now as it just didn't seem right, no matter how good her body felt against mine, and it made me realize that it was probably how it was for Nagato when he was touching me, too.

I was getting increasingly curious about what had motivated him to cross the invisible barrier between us by having sex with me, but I didn't let it bother me that night, especially after he later allowed me to pleasure him with my mouth as well.

It was only in the following morning when I woke up in their bedroom alone that the growing feeling of hollowness inside of me returned, and it took me an entire week to understand that something really had irrevocably changed between us.

The first and the most striking implication was that Nagato refused to continue touching and kissing me after our training sessions. It was as if the physical aspect of our relationship had been completely erased and forgotten because of what had happened that night we'd spent together, and the only explanation he gave me was that he didn't want to destroy our friendship by playing meaningless games with me and that all he wanted was to get back to the way things used to be when we were younger. I knew he wasn't exactly telling the truth, but I felt it wiser not to push him any further, so we left it at that.

The second thing that I noticed was that his relationship with Konan began to cool down very quickly, and I never saw them cuddle or kiss anymore. Sometimes I was sure that even their friendship had mysteriously been replaced by cold professionalism, and the words 'engagement' and 'marriage' were never heard in our house again.

I felt both guilty and betrayed at the same time, but I refused to give in to those feelings and turned my focus to our organization instead.

We were officially recognized by Hanzou six months later, and frankly, I wasn't quite sure if that was necessarily a good thing because he was arrogant and liked to keep us busy and out of his way. But I wanted to believe that I was doing the right thing, that the decision to join forces with him would eventually turn everything for the better for all of us.

And more than anything, I wanted Nagato to trust me again.

To smile at me again.

To hold me again.

To kiss me again the way he'd kissed me that night…

…That day the rain was falling so hard.

The rain was falling, and there was no hesitation in my mind after Hanzou had dictated his terms.

The rain was falling, and there was no hesitation in my mind after I heard Konan scream at Nagato and tell him to forget about her.

The rain was falling, and there was no hesitation in my mind after I realized how beautiful he was in his fear and agitation.

A voice in my head whispered that perhaps he did want to do it after all, that perhaps he had needed a reason to do it for quite some time already.

But when I took a hold of his wrist and the pain ripped through my chest, I could see the horror and disbelief in his eyes, and I knew I had been wrong.

Something had just awakened inside of him.

And the moment my body fell forward and pressed against his for the very last time, I knew my love for him had not been in vain.


End file.
